Christmas

We’ll get back to Moses n all that in a bit, but for now I’m gonna have a bitch about how Christmas is mutated by market forces. We all know by now that Father Christmas is an invention of Coca Cola, I prefer the idea of Santa Claus (Saint Nick) the Saint Nick story is much more plausible. The thing is Saint Nick is for the Needy and under privileged, where as father Christmas will indulge anyone who claims to have been remotely nice this year and to be fair its usually the horrible, spoilt shits who get the most.

Advent Calenders….the afore mentioned spoilt shits will have one of these in every room, a Bart Simpson one, Horrid Henry and Spongebob Squarepants of course, I mean how can you celebrate the birth of Christ without paying homage to your favourite animated icons. So here we go:- there is no such thing as an Advent Calendar and if there was it wouldn’t have you commemorate the age old Christian festival by indulging your greedy fat face with chocolate every fuckin day.

 

So now let us have a look at the nativity, as a catholic I have grown with images of  Our Lady, Mary mother of God, no catholic church is without at least one statue of the blessed virgin. Unfortunately we only really remember poor Joseph at Christmas, I mean if your missus has just given birth to another mans child you’d want as little attention as possible, but no. what have we got….Angels , wandering Stars , shepherds and of course three kings., not to mention the noisy sheep and a farting donkey. The shepherds turned up with more stinking livestock, as if traipsing back to Nazareth with your wife and kid and only a donkey for transport wasn’t bad enough. On top of this we have three dozy twats following the so called star of Bethlehem arriving more than two weeks late.

Now if I was Joseph I would be really pissed off and would have this to say to God:-

·        you sent angels to guide the shepherds

·        you arranged for a star to bring the wise men

·        we now have Sheep, Gold, frankinsense and myrrh

·        all I wanted was a fucking room and maybe a lift home, but no that would be too easy. Ive got one thing to say to you pal…… C S A

The Ten Commandments

It all started with just the one rule back in the Eden days “gerroff my fuckin apples” then what with all the stealing, killing n coveting it started to get complicated. And so it came to pass that his holy beardiness decided to rethink the job and lay down some ground rules, ten of them in fact, just out of  interest who did the chiselling? was it Moses or God? (Wikipedia time) apparently it was god and this is the bit I find funny. Because it was a contract between God and Man, he had to knock up a duplicate set for himself lol.

The Quantum Universe

 Ok I’m not too familiar with this at all as we didn’t have quarks and leptons when I was at school, they hadn’t bin invented yet. Just big fat atoms made from  protons and neutrons which if I remember correctly are both different kinds of electrons.(stop me if I’m wrong….no actually don’t, …just fuck off geek) .

So back on Wikipedia I’ve stumbled across an Austrian physicist going by the name of Erwin Schrödinger who said that quantum mechanics was all about putting dead cats in boxes (ref  Schrödinger’s cat), but to be fair that was back in 1935 when everyone was weird n every thing was black n white.

The fruit of knowledge

Moses went walking with a staff of wood, yeah yeah yeah,   Newton got beaten by the apple good,  yeah yeah yeah.   (REM man on the moon)

I had intended writing separate chapters about science and religion for what I thought were obvious reasons but that’s not gonna happen. You see the whole theory of our existence from a biblical perspective starts with original sin (eating the apple) mankind is banished from eden and left to his own devices, I mean the whole thing would have been easier if our holy fella had just put a fence round the fucking tree, anyway here’s the thing, the point in the science calendar, the birth place, the genesis of the modern scientific theory, the actual point in time when we were able to start understanding and discovering our world because we now have a valuable piece of information that would make space exploration possible is all thanks to the very same fruit.

Religion 2


Obviously we have done the adam and eve thing, they have been kicked out of the garden of eden for scrumping.

Lets have a look at Cain and Abel (begat by Adam and Eve) ...who the fuck did they begat then, first of all they are both blokes and the only woman about is there mum...seems to me we've begot off to a bad start . i figure the old man died and they had a big fight about who begets to stick one in the old lady.
just been on wikapedia to get some more presice info about the fight...Cain wins...Abel dies....some biblical blurb about jealousy.....Holy God outlaws murder because its not nice.....duh.   and whats Allah doing in the bible isnt he the lead character in the Qur'an....i'm sensing  plagurism here......sorry forget that ..Allah is not in the bible, i was actually reading the Qur'an and Cain is a Ginner, thats probably why he's pissed off.

I'm still struggling to work out where all the other people came from, it seems that Cain is punished in someway by the holy Spectre, he is made to wander the earth with ginger hair for a very long time and procreate. i think that he has been set a task to spawn seven generations before he can be laid to rest bearing the mark of cain(his ginger hair) fuck me he's probably still wandering about now.

I'm getting a bit confused with this one, but lets recap anyway

• no explanation as to where all the begaters where begot from
• Cain is the wanderer and status quo wrote a song about him
• all ginger people are cursed outcasts and potential killers

Religion

 

In the beginning there was a big bang, but just before that, the universe had begun To heat up, so strictly speaking it wasn’t really the beginning was it, and come to think of it what lurks beyond the boundary’s of our infinite universe. I don’t know about you but its all just head fuck to me, I will agree that us humans Grossly overrate our significance in the grand scheme of things…….no fuck it I’m not gonna do this, time and space can wait, let’s do the religion thing…….

Ok let’s start with the beardy guy in the sky. Being a catholic I know a lot about God and Jesus n all that, we learned all the Jesus and god stories at school and were forced to pretend that we give a shit,( sorry mum) we never really understood them, but I think I do now.

Adam and Eve

Right, there is a very simple message in this story and one that seems to have been Missed by pope Constantine and all the great philosophers and theologians throughout History (stop me if I’m biging myself up too much ) yes spellcheck .. i know there’s no such  word as biging but its 4am and I’m talking to my cursor…......... Ok …. the message ….are you ready ….here it comes……………………….. WOMEN ARE FUCKING EVIL ….. yes that’s right and come to think of it i think The catholic church knows it but restricts the information to the clergy. Adam is the representative of mankind, Eve represents womankind, the serpent represents the devil himself . Eve conspires with the snake to tempt Adam into taking a bite of the apple, she is clearly in cahoots with the devil .

 

Disclaimer

Before you go off in your truck and murder some prossies……please wipe this from

your screen ..(Jeremy Clarkson is funny as fuck, what’s with the witch hunts all of a sudden)

 

quick joke to lighten the mood

A man lays in bed with a woman after having sex , she strokes his cock lovingly,

He says to her “do you like my cock”

She replies “no, I just miss mine”

 

Exerpt from my new book Analyse Me …my only book to be fair…. And if Steve isn’t using the title otherwise it will be Analyse Me 2. thank you .. you’ve been a wonderful audience.

 

Johny Orange has left the building.